Monday, May 17, 2010

Ice Cream - Hell Frozen Over

It's like cake, but not at all.

Ice cream is something I hate personally so this post is mainly personal opinion.
I have spent much of my life in India, which you may or may not know is a country that is both very hot and has very good dairy. So it makes no sense that I dislike Ice Cream.

BUT I HATE IT SO MUCH!"Go fuck yourself you self-righteous cold hearted bastard!"

First off, it's cold. Which is fine, I have no aversion to cold things, but ice cream is supposed to be a dessert!
If you haven't noticed this before, the progression of meals goes from coldest to warmest.
You start with a drink which is usually cold, move onto a salad, some lukewarm bread and then finally your entrée which is probably the warmest thing you've eaten. Now ideally, dessert should be a slice of cake which has been warmed so the cake is hot and the frosting to warm and gooey and almost dripping off the sides; a warm piece of pie; lemon souffle fresh out the oven and the like. Alternatively you could skip dessert and go for a pipping hot cappuccino or an Irish coffee.
So where does Ice Cream fit into this?
NOWHERE, That's Where!
Ice cream effectively fucked up the progression of temperature in meals. Fuck you, Ice cream. Think you're better than unwritten norms? Go to Hell!

Another thing about Ice Cream, it's practically impossible to keep it perfect. Stores have special freezers for ice cream because regular freezers are too cold. I'm sure you've seen those little icicles when you take ice cream out of your freezer at home. Its probably impossible to scoop too, fucking douche. So what do you do? You wait for it to thaw. So you wait, then you can scoop it, so you do. You better eat it fast though, because in about 4 minutes that thing is going to turn into inedible mush. Unfortunately, if you eat it too fast, you get brain freeze and need to slow down. So then your Ice Cream gets mushy. So you put it in the freezer till its inedibly hard again, take it out, wait for it to thaw and the cycle repeats itself. FUCK.

Green tea Ice Cream? Fuck That.

So really now the question is, Why wouldn't you hate Ice Cream?
Not only is Ice Cream a non-conformist asshole, but it's also a temperamental douche bag who's more unstable than your 7 year old cousin after you tell her Santa isn't real. And don't even get me started on Santa...Fucking Creep...

Side Note -- So that was my first official Blog post [Excitement!]. It's short, I know, but I'm testing the waters here. Let me know what you think please; I will ardently await your comments as I refresh this page every 30 seconds until something exciting happens.

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  1. Personally, I also hate ice cream. But even if I was a major ice cream fan, I would love this post. Hilarious!

  2. Man, this argument made way too much sense...

    "Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, perhaps a chardonnay to couple... Oh and afterwards? An ice cream cone."



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