Sunday, July 11, 2010

Walking - So Stupid Even BP Execs Use a Segway

Disclaimer - The other day I met someone who hates walking. Legitimately hates it. His argument is incorporated below, and if you think it makes no sense fucking deal with it because Neither does your mom. Personally I love walking and it hurts my soul to bash it like this. But it is my duty to my readers to provide a negatively biased view on everything and god dammit i will see this through.

I, like most rational people, I travel around campus on a Razor Scooter.
Quite obviously the best invention of the 20th century

Now, while this form of transportation is amazing, energy efficient, fast and fun, I understand that not everyone can afford this $20 miracle machine. So it's only logical that some people choose an alternative form of transportation.
But god dammit why does it have to be walking?
Basic human function my ass!
Ever noticed how walking is so horribly repetitive?
Foot up, foot down, other foot up, other foot down. That's ridiculous! That's like those Bart Simpson chalkboard gags, except no one actually does that in real life!

Good point, Bart.

But Seriously, Walking, Can you imagine how much energy you are using by doing this mind numbingly pointless chore? [Around 280 Kcal an hour].
Walking is slow too. In fact many pedestrians die every year from getting hit by faster better ways to travel. If that's not a smack in the face then I don't know what is.
Clearly, Walking is the most inefficient way to travel.
I can hear you 'rational' people whining back there! Shut the fuck up!
So what if its an evolutionary ability?! Fucking look around you! There's washing machines to wash your clothes, lighters to start fires, voice dialing to replace pressing buttons. Science has worked so hard to make life easier for us!

In the days of yore it took much more than a thumb flick to get fire

People have dedicated their lives to making sure we never have to use our evolutionary abilities! Who cares if we have canines capable of tearing through raw flesh, we don't need em coz we've got stoves! Who cares if we have hard nails to defend ourselves from attackers? We have guns! So what if we developed body hair to protect us from the elements? Fuck the elements, I'm shaving. Actually you know what, Fuck shaving! I will now pay $700 dollars for a series of painful laser treatments to get rid of this awful body hair so I never have to run a razor up my legs again. [Totally worth it]

See how this works?

Now why on earth are we still sticking to walking, a primitive sub-standard way of travel?
Who the fuck knows.
Fortunately we have taken some important steps towards the abolition of this awful torture.
The car was a great start. Scooters and Vespa's were great too. We can now safely say that the amount of long distance walking has been cut down drastically.
Yay for us! Everyone pat yourself on the back.
But don't get too comfortable my dear reader, our work is not done!
What if you need to go to the store a block and a half away? Can't take the car can you? Also, with the onslaught of cars, parking lots have become so big that, even once you've driven to a destination, you still need to fucking WALK through the parking lot.
Fuck you science god! Why must you be so cruel?!

What we need is a device that walks for you. Something that can be used after we have finished the 'Driving' leg of our trip.
Oh wait a minute, we have that.

Hell yeah! The Segway. It's our answer to everything!
Sure it needs a little work and it needs to be made more portable and less expensive too, but give it time!
This amazing product will change our lives*.
Everyone! stop what you're doing and spend some time working on the Segway. Every little bit helps!
And, if all goes well then by the Hammer of Thor, we will get rid of Walking in our lifetime!

*For the better!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Family Guy? Nope I'd rather have the Ipecac

Okay, yes I promised a post 2 weeks ago and haven't delivered. Sorry. Shoot me. Whatever. Here's something to make up for it.
Family Guy. This shit's been going on for a while now, not as long as The Simpsons (Which will never ever cease to air. Matt Groening will write it from his grave I assure you.) but still, 8 years is nothing to scoff at.
I remember the first time I watched Family Guy, I was 11 years old and with my brother, channel surfing while on vacation in Australia. We caught the tail end of some episode about Native Americans, I've seen the full version since then but I can't recall the plot.
I remember the first thing that came out of my mouth after it aired...
"What is this, the Canadian Simpsons?"

A Canada joke should always be followed by a picture of a baby shaving his ass

Now keep in mind that back then Canadian-anything instantly made it terrible. And that's exactly how I felt about this show. It was Un-Funny, Unoriginal and Unintresting. I understand that Family Guy is not geared towards 11 years olds, so years later when I bought some pirated DVD's of the first few seasons I kept and open mind and watched them all. Still not funny.
I know I'm not the first one to bash Family Guy, I think South Park's Cartoon Wars are a stroke of genius because they made an extremely valid point that Family Guy has done nothing to improve.
The problem? The 'Jokes' have no context. Sitcoms are genius because they are able to fit so much humour in a small amount of time WHILE KEEPING TO A STORY LINE.
I mean, how the fuck in Family Guy any different from a sketch show? Its like they write a mediocre story that takes about 5 minutes of their time and fill the other twenty with a bunch of crap they wrote on the toilet.
My favorite example of this is when they all take Ipecac and then there is 5 minutes of just throwing up. What the fuck is that? Did you need to fill up a few minutes so you thought of the stupidest thing and stretched it out?

There is so much No in this picture I can't get away with just saying No.

I remember watching an episode on Hulu once and I subconsciously timed the chicken fight. 7 minutes. 7 Fucking minutes. A typical episode is 21 minutes, so basically 1/3rd of of the show you just watched was a man beating up a fucking chicken.
Yeah. An animated Man fighting and Animated Chicken. That's like people who get on Facebook to play Farmville. ITS A GAME WHERE YOU PRETEND TO BE A FARMER. WHAT IS THAT? Thats like watching a reality show about your Grandma's knitting.
But, I digress. I'm not going to lie, I thought the first chicken fight
was kind of funny. A little less in the second one. By the fourth one it was just too much.
Cartoon violence is not funny like real person violence is. Cartoon violence is the bastardization of all things good and pure.
So that's my problem with Family guy.
OH and the fucking Repetition? I fucking Hate repetition. I hate it so much. It is way to repetitive. Fucking repetition man..Geez.
They're fucking up cartoon law!
Cartoon law states that every day is a stand-alone day. The kids never grow up or change their clothes because they never age. Things that happened in past episodes do not affect them. Now obviously, this isn't viable all the time. When a character dies, they're dead forever; When they get married, they're unfortunately married forever. [Sure they can get a divorce, but they are forever married in the eyes of The Lord, which is basically what counts you know...]
In terms of jokes though, Cartoons need to be fresh. A couple of nods to previous episodes is fine, but the constant repetition of jokes is just a sign that either the writers think the viewers are idiots or that the writers are idiots.
And, Unfortunately for all of us, these repeated 'jokes' usually suck serious monkey balls. For example, that Conway Twitty crap. Stop it. People don't watch your show because they want to watch a 4 minute video of Conway Twitty.

Sorry Twits

So look Family Guy, I'll level with ya. Your lack of context doesn't suck as much as your jokes do. Fix your jokes and we'll be fine. Not all of your jokes suck, but a dangerous proportion of them do. How can the people who produce something as original and hilarious as American Dad (yes, I love American Dad) continue to crap out this abomination every week. I have many many other complaints about you, but I will keep them bottled up and one day smash my TV into tiny pieces because of it [I may also shoot someone, but we're talking about worst case scenarios here]. Also, The Cleveland Show? Stop that. We Don't need Family Guy 2. If you were going to give anyone a spin off it should have been someone important and hilarious. It's not that I don't like Cleveland, I'm just pretty sure a spin off show about Joe's wife Bonnie or The Fat guy Strangler would have been funnier. Or a show about Koalas or something [Just a suggestion...A pretty good one I think...]

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

European Holidays

You know why I haven't written in a while? Because I've been in Europe.
Unfortunately, Hotels in Europe don't believe in the internet or something, because NONE of the places I went to had a connection.
Now granted, we didn't stay at the Ritz, but we did stay in hotels that were on the upper side of reasonable.
I just arrived in Salzburg and ADJKLSFOMG my hotel has internet!
Also, I'l be home in a few days, which is refreshing; And I promise a proper, hate-filled post as soon as I get back =)
Have a terrible day.
No it doesn't.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Kissing - The reason you can't have sex.

Who doesn't like kissing, you wonder?
Oh, You'd be surprised.
I have met a few people who dislike the carnal act of tounge wrestling. Mainly guys (go figure), but there are a few girls in there too.
Of course in this particular topic dislike is a relative term. People may not like kissing but they usually prefer it to eating ramen and playing Warcraft alone in their rooms...or at least lets hope so....

Now on a superficial level, Kissing is gross!
Just really think about kissing right now. Wet lips on wet lips, the awkward feeling of each others tongues; and thats good kissing...
Bad kissing is way more common. Slobering, smacking, teeth...Fuck That!
And then theres the dirty factor...
A great man once said "A woman's mouth is the most Germ-Ridden place in the entire world!"
[Okay it was Cartman..]
But the kid's got a point.
The next time you go on a date, watch their mouths as they talk and think about how you put your mouth over there!
Mouths are nasty! In fact people say that human mouths are dirtier than dogs...yet I would sooner plant one on Christian Bale than Lassie. Doesn't make sense right? People are fucked up...

Don't look at me like that. You knew what this was.

Now here's the fundamental problem with kissing.

Kissing serves no purpose what so ever. Think of the average cycle of a relationship. There are 4 important phases.
Phase one, You meet. Obviously, you can't date if you never meet in the first place. You size each other up for a potential relationship based on basic physical attractiveness and sexual orientation.
Phase two, you date. Go out, get to know each other, figure out whether you can spend an evening together without gouging your eyes out.
Phase three, here comes the fun part - you two fuck like bunnies. Self explanatory and yet the most important and evolutionary significant part of the entire process. YAY Evolution!
Phase 4. This can go one of two ways. You can go on to get married or you can go on to have an ugly breakup that culminates with her shredding all your gifts and left behind socks and then weaving a basket to catch her tears in out of the shreddings.
[You could also get married and then break up, except this time she shreds your clothes and video games and the basket she makes holds more of your tears than hers.]

Now, keeping this relationship cycle in mind, it's obvious that kissing is unnecessary. The only possible explanation I can come up with for the popularity of kissing is that it's like a PG version of sex.
What did you say? Kissing is like sex? OUTRAGEOUS!
Calm down dear reader.

Ask any teenage boy why he likes kissing and he will tell you it's because kissing open the floodgates the endless possibilities, the most important of which is getting his dick wet.

This kid knows whats what. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Kissing is to sex what alcohol is to parties. We all know that alcohol is the best social lubricant. Now Kissing is the best sexual Lubricant (You know, besides actual Sexual Lubricant..)
Now as a girl knowing this makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Fuck Men! Always thinking with their penises and what-nots. Us girls NEVER sexually manipulate people. NEVER EVER.

So heres the thing about kissing then, guys only do it because they want to push up some skirts. Girls only do it to not feel like skanks when a guy pushes up their skirts.
What is this crap!? Why can't we all just have sex without the guilt?

Now I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I blame kissing for the cluster-fuck that is the standards and double standards regarding teenage sex.

I could go on for hours backing this claim, but basically, Why is kissing okay and other things not? Who gets to draw the line between normal and skanky these days?
Kissing is first base right? Is second base too far? [Isnt feeling up a natural part of kissing?]
Now once we're feeling up, is third base really that far off? What about having sex, doesn't seem like a big step now huh?
BAM, Youre a Skank.

Now, I've been called a slut a few times, I take it in stride. Being surrounded by guys all the time has decreased my shame to an almost shameful level (Not that I care because of the aforementioned decrease in shame..)
But I know it hurts some people a lot and has driven many teenage girls to depression.

Innocent? My Fucking Ass!
Kissing is like potato chips, you can't stop at one.
So don't guilt trip high schoolers when they have sex as you prance around saying kissing is okay.

They allow this smut on TV now? Geez...

Fact - 100% of people who have had sex have Kissed.

So, lets Boycott Kissing...for the Children!

Won't you please think of the children?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Frosting - It's the Sanjaya of Dessert.

Look, everyone knows that cake is delicious. Nothing beats cake, ever. I have been to over 20 different countries and I have yet to meet someone who dislikes cake.

Frosting…on the other hand is a complete bastardization of what cake is! IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!

[It's like Sanjaya, its fun for a little bit..and then its like "What the fuck can this end already?"]

So I'm just going to jump in and say that everytime you Over-Frost a Cupcake, God takes a Teddy Bear from a Baby.


To put it simply, its like what condiments are to pizza.

Ever had a horrible slice of pizza that is so bad its hard to stuff down your throat?

Of course you have!

So what do you do? Cover it in oregano, chili powder, Parmesan cheese…anything to kill the awful taste of the slice of mess that you must eat because, hell, you paid 3 dollars for it and you need sustenance.

Now this I understand, I get masking the taste of pizza with some strong tasting powders in oversized salt shakers.

Thanks , harbinger of flavor!

What I don’t understand is the excessive use of frosting! Frosting doesnt taste very good on it's own, so why would you subject tasters to a mouth full of frosting? WHY DO YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH? THEY ARE NICE ENOUGH TO EAT YOUR CRAPPY FOOD!

Now, as a baker, I know that it is possible to screw up cake (Especially if youre a MORON). You can over-beat, over-bake, under-bake (Though that’s usually delicious!). The cake can be too dry and crumbly or too bland (Again, I don’t count too moist or too flavorful a problem).

Now honestly, if you’ve had a cake failure, the best thing to do it throw it out and start over. If you don’t want to though, you can always concoct this abomination…

Doesn’t look too bad right? WRONG!

What is it, you ask. Well these, ladies and gentlemen, are cake balls. Cake balls are crumpled up cake mixed with frosting, molded into a ball and dipped in melted chocolate.

OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK! Is this what food has come to?

Unfortunately, yes.

No one’s going to deny that cake balls really shouldn’t exist, but tell me dear reader, how is a cake ball any different from piping out 3lbs of frosting on an sub-par tasting cupcake?


So, to reiterate, if you make a bad batch – THROW IT OUT YOU DUMB BITCH! Or feed it to your dog (if it’s not chocolate obviously, if it is chocolate feed it to your cat….I kid of course KITTY POISONING IS TERRIBLE…ish)

What’s that you say? I only hate too much frosting on bad cakes? I’m alright with frosting otherwise?


You see those normally frosted cupcakes in the background of the above picture?

I bet those cup cakes taste damn good. I also bet that you wouldn’t be able to taste the cupcake under all that CREAMY HELL.

Frosting is just like…a horrible diabetes inducing sugary abyss! You think its delicious? I THINK YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG.

Most people do not understand the Frosting to Cake ratio! Frosting should be a maximum of 20% of the volume of the cupcake, with 12% being ideal. [Of course I base these facts on absolutely nothing.]


If you're skeptical, Try it! What are you, afraid that your cake sucks too much to hold on its own flavor?

Still don’t believe that frosting is made of baby tears?

Recently there was a big revelation in the world of frosting. I’m talking of course about the frosting shot!

Basically, it’s a tiny little cup of frosting. Now it was hard to come by a review that reacted positively to these things, most people called it too much. Ironically most cupcakes have more frosting than the amount in those tiny cups! MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE!

So, In summary.

Too much Frosting = Evil

Killing Bunnies = Evil

So, by my twisted logic…

Too much Frosting = Killing Bunnies.

YOU BASTARD! How dare you kill those bunnies!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ice Cream - Hell Frozen Over

It's like cake, but not at all.

Ice cream is something I hate personally so this post is mainly personal opinion.
I have spent much of my life in India, which you may or may not know is a country that is both very hot and has very good dairy. So it makes no sense that I dislike Ice Cream.

BUT I HATE IT SO MUCH!"Go fuck yourself you self-righteous cold hearted bastard!"

First off, it's cold. Which is fine, I have no aversion to cold things, but ice cream is supposed to be a dessert!
If you haven't noticed this before, the progression of meals goes from coldest to warmest.
You start with a drink which is usually cold, move onto a salad, some lukewarm bread and then finally your entrée which is probably the warmest thing you've eaten. Now ideally, dessert should be a slice of cake which has been warmed so the cake is hot and the frosting to warm and gooey and almost dripping off the sides; a warm piece of pie; lemon souffle fresh out the oven and the like. Alternatively you could skip dessert and go for a pipping hot cappuccino or an Irish coffee.
So where does Ice Cream fit into this?
NOWHERE, That's Where!
Ice cream effectively fucked up the progression of temperature in meals. Fuck you, Ice cream. Think you're better than unwritten norms? Go to Hell!

Another thing about Ice Cream, it's practically impossible to keep it perfect. Stores have special freezers for ice cream because regular freezers are too cold. I'm sure you've seen those little icicles when you take ice cream out of your freezer at home. Its probably impossible to scoop too, fucking douche. So what do you do? You wait for it to thaw. So you wait, then you can scoop it, so you do. You better eat it fast though, because in about 4 minutes that thing is going to turn into inedible mush. Unfortunately, if you eat it too fast, you get brain freeze and need to slow down. So then your Ice Cream gets mushy. So you put it in the freezer till its inedibly hard again, take it out, wait for it to thaw and the cycle repeats itself. FUCK.

Green tea Ice Cream? Fuck That.

So really now the question is, Why wouldn't you hate Ice Cream?
Not only is Ice Cream a non-conformist asshole, but it's also a temperamental douche bag who's more unstable than your 7 year old cousin after you tell her Santa isn't real. And don't even get me started on Santa...Fucking Creep...

Side Note -- So that was my first official Blog post [Excitement!]. It's short, I know, but I'm testing the waters here. Let me know what you think please; I will ardently await your comments as I refresh this page every 30 seconds until something exciting happens.

STUMBLE UPON -- Please hit that Thumbs up if you liked this! Also, note that I have more posts now, so hit the Home button below to check out my latest posts!

So why do you hate bubbles?

It all started when I was sitting on the porch of my freshman dorm, hanging out with some guys and smoking a cigar (I really do try to be one of the guys -- Unfortunately that doesn't stop them from calling me a broad 15 times a day and telling me to make a sandwich).
As they all talked about boy things (I wasn't listening but I assume they were talking about COD and masturbating), I pulled out a bottle of bubble solution and started blowing bubbles.

Now most people like bubbles, they're a glistening reminder of youthful innocence; a beautiful symbol for the fragility of life and happiness itself.

"Look at the way it glistens, its almost magical isn't it? Fucking bubble thinks its so fucking cool. I fucking hate that!"

However, One of the guys decided that, well, bubbles suck. "Why are you blowing bubbles?" he asked indignantly, "I fucking hate bubbles."
I have never heard a place go quiet so fast.
[Actually, I have. It's the kind of silence that suddenly falls over everyone at a loud party just when your yelling to you're friend that you need a new tampon.]

As the table erupted with shouts of "You hate BUBBLES?" "You Monster!" "Don't you have a soul?" and the like, it got me thinking.
No matter what it is, someone, somewhere hates it.
Its universal, like Rule 34.
Which brings me back to the question at hand, Why do I hate bubbles?
The answer? I don't.
But someone does.
Think of all your favorite things. Now realize that someone out there hates them.
This blog will document why.