Friday, May 21, 2010

Kissing - The reason you can't have sex.

Who doesn't like kissing, you wonder?
Oh, You'd be surprised.
I have met a few people who dislike the carnal act of tounge wrestling. Mainly guys (go figure), but there are a few girls in there too.
Of course in this particular topic dislike is a relative term. People may not like kissing but they usually prefer it to eating ramen and playing Warcraft alone in their rooms...or at least lets hope so....

Now on a superficial level, Kissing is gross!
Just really think about kissing right now. Wet lips on wet lips, the awkward feeling of each others tongues; and thats good kissing...
Bad kissing is way more common. Slobering, smacking, teeth...Fuck That!
And then theres the dirty factor...
A great man once said "A woman's mouth is the most Germ-Ridden place in the entire world!"
[Okay it was Cartman..]
But the kid's got a point.
The next time you go on a date, watch their mouths as they talk and think about how you put your mouth over there!
Mouths are nasty! In fact people say that human mouths are dirtier than dogs...yet I would sooner plant one on Christian Bale than Lassie. Doesn't make sense right? People are fucked up...

Don't look at me like that. You knew what this was.

Now here's the fundamental problem with kissing.

Kissing serves no purpose what so ever. Think of the average cycle of a relationship. There are 4 important phases.
Phase one, You meet. Obviously, you can't date if you never meet in the first place. You size each other up for a potential relationship based on basic physical attractiveness and sexual orientation.
Phase two, you date. Go out, get to know each other, figure out whether you can spend an evening together without gouging your eyes out.
Phase three, here comes the fun part - you two fuck like bunnies. Self explanatory and yet the most important and evolutionary significant part of the entire process. YAY Evolution!
Phase 4. This can go one of two ways. You can go on to get married or you can go on to have an ugly breakup that culminates with her shredding all your gifts and left behind socks and then weaving a basket to catch her tears in out of the shreddings.
[You could also get married and then break up, except this time she shreds your clothes and video games and the basket she makes holds more of your tears than hers.]

Now, keeping this relationship cycle in mind, it's obvious that kissing is unnecessary. The only possible explanation I can come up with for the popularity of kissing is that it's like a PG version of sex.
What did you say? Kissing is like sex? OUTRAGEOUS!
Calm down dear reader.

Ask any teenage boy why he likes kissing and he will tell you it's because kissing open the floodgates the endless possibilities, the most important of which is getting his dick wet.

This kid knows whats what. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Kissing is to sex what alcohol is to parties. We all know that alcohol is the best social lubricant. Now Kissing is the best sexual Lubricant (You know, besides actual Sexual Lubricant..)
Now as a girl knowing this makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Fuck Men! Always thinking with their penises and what-nots. Us girls NEVER sexually manipulate people. NEVER EVER.

So heres the thing about kissing then, guys only do it because they want to push up some skirts. Girls only do it to not feel like skanks when a guy pushes up their skirts.
What is this crap!? Why can't we all just have sex without the guilt?

Now I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I blame kissing for the cluster-fuck that is the standards and double standards regarding teenage sex.

I could go on for hours backing this claim, but basically, Why is kissing okay and other things not? Who gets to draw the line between normal and skanky these days?
Kissing is first base right? Is second base too far? [Isnt feeling up a natural part of kissing?]
Now once we're feeling up, is third base really that far off? What about having sex, doesn't seem like a big step now huh?
BAM, Youre a Skank.

Now, I've been called a slut a few times, I take it in stride. Being surrounded by guys all the time has decreased my shame to an almost shameful level (Not that I care because of the aforementioned decrease in shame..)
But I know it hurts some people a lot and has driven many teenage girls to depression.

Innocent? My Fucking Ass!
Kissing is like potato chips, you can't stop at one.
So don't guilt trip high schoolers when they have sex as you prance around saying kissing is okay.

They allow this smut on TV now? Geez...

Fact - 100% of people who have had sex have Kissed.

So, lets Boycott Kissing...for the Children!

Won't you please think of the children?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Frosting - It's the Sanjaya of Dessert.

Look, everyone knows that cake is delicious. Nothing beats cake, ever. I have been to over 20 different countries and I have yet to meet someone who dislikes cake.

Frosting…on the other hand is a complete bastardization of what cake is! IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!

[It's like Sanjaya, its fun for a little bit..and then its like "What the fuck can this end already?"]

So I'm just going to jump in and say that everytime you Over-Frost a Cupcake, God takes a Teddy Bear from a Baby.


To put it simply, its like what condiments are to pizza.

Ever had a horrible slice of pizza that is so bad its hard to stuff down your throat?

Of course you have!

So what do you do? Cover it in oregano, chili powder, Parmesan cheese…anything to kill the awful taste of the slice of mess that you must eat because, hell, you paid 3 dollars for it and you need sustenance.

Now this I understand, I get masking the taste of pizza with some strong tasting powders in oversized salt shakers.

Thanks , harbinger of flavor!

What I don’t understand is the excessive use of frosting! Frosting doesnt taste very good on it's own, so why would you subject tasters to a mouth full of frosting? WHY DO YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH? THEY ARE NICE ENOUGH TO EAT YOUR CRAPPY FOOD!

Now, as a baker, I know that it is possible to screw up cake (Especially if youre a MORON). You can over-beat, over-bake, under-bake (Though that’s usually delicious!). The cake can be too dry and crumbly or too bland (Again, I don’t count too moist or too flavorful a problem).

Now honestly, if you’ve had a cake failure, the best thing to do it throw it out and start over. If you don’t want to though, you can always concoct this abomination…

Doesn’t look too bad right? WRONG!

What is it, you ask. Well these, ladies and gentlemen, are cake balls. Cake balls are crumpled up cake mixed with frosting, molded into a ball and dipped in melted chocolate.

OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK! Is this what food has come to?

Unfortunately, yes.

No one’s going to deny that cake balls really shouldn’t exist, but tell me dear reader, how is a cake ball any different from piping out 3lbs of frosting on an sub-par tasting cupcake?


So, to reiterate, if you make a bad batch – THROW IT OUT YOU DUMB BITCH! Or feed it to your dog (if it’s not chocolate obviously, if it is chocolate feed it to your cat….I kid of course KITTY POISONING IS TERRIBLE…ish)

What’s that you say? I only hate too much frosting on bad cakes? I’m alright with frosting otherwise?


You see those normally frosted cupcakes in the background of the above picture?

I bet those cup cakes taste damn good. I also bet that you wouldn’t be able to taste the cupcake under all that CREAMY HELL.

Frosting is just like…a horrible diabetes inducing sugary abyss! You think its delicious? I THINK YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG.

Most people do not understand the Frosting to Cake ratio! Frosting should be a maximum of 20% of the volume of the cupcake, with 12% being ideal. [Of course I base these facts on absolutely nothing.]


If you're skeptical, Try it! What are you, afraid that your cake sucks too much to hold on its own flavor?

Still don’t believe that frosting is made of baby tears?

Recently there was a big revelation in the world of frosting. I’m talking of course about the frosting shot!

Basically, it’s a tiny little cup of frosting. Now it was hard to come by a review that reacted positively to these things, most people called it too much. Ironically most cupcakes have more frosting than the amount in those tiny cups! MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE!

So, In summary.

Too much Frosting = Evil

Killing Bunnies = Evil

So, by my twisted logic…

Too much Frosting = Killing Bunnies.

YOU BASTARD! How dare you kill those bunnies!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ice Cream - Hell Frozen Over

It's like cake, but not at all.

Ice cream is something I hate personally so this post is mainly personal opinion.
I have spent much of my life in India, which you may or may not know is a country that is both very hot and has very good dairy. So it makes no sense that I dislike Ice Cream.

BUT I HATE IT SO MUCH!"Go fuck yourself you self-righteous cold hearted bastard!"

First off, it's cold. Which is fine, I have no aversion to cold things, but ice cream is supposed to be a dessert!
If you haven't noticed this before, the progression of meals goes from coldest to warmest.
You start with a drink which is usually cold, move onto a salad, some lukewarm bread and then finally your entrée which is probably the warmest thing you've eaten. Now ideally, dessert should be a slice of cake which has been warmed so the cake is hot and the frosting to warm and gooey and almost dripping off the sides; a warm piece of pie; lemon souffle fresh out the oven and the like. Alternatively you could skip dessert and go for a pipping hot cappuccino or an Irish coffee.
So where does Ice Cream fit into this?
NOWHERE, That's Where!
Ice cream effectively fucked up the progression of temperature in meals. Fuck you, Ice cream. Think you're better than unwritten norms? Go to Hell!

Another thing about Ice Cream, it's practically impossible to keep it perfect. Stores have special freezers for ice cream because regular freezers are too cold. I'm sure you've seen those little icicles when you take ice cream out of your freezer at home. Its probably impossible to scoop too, fucking douche. So what do you do? You wait for it to thaw. So you wait, then you can scoop it, so you do. You better eat it fast though, because in about 4 minutes that thing is going to turn into inedible mush. Unfortunately, if you eat it too fast, you get brain freeze and need to slow down. So then your Ice Cream gets mushy. So you put it in the freezer till its inedibly hard again, take it out, wait for it to thaw and the cycle repeats itself. FUCK.

Green tea Ice Cream? Fuck That.

So really now the question is, Why wouldn't you hate Ice Cream?
Not only is Ice Cream a non-conformist asshole, but it's also a temperamental douche bag who's more unstable than your 7 year old cousin after you tell her Santa isn't real. And don't even get me started on Santa...Fucking Creep...

Side Note -- So that was my first official Blog post [Excitement!]. It's short, I know, but I'm testing the waters here. Let me know what you think please; I will ardently await your comments as I refresh this page every 30 seconds until something exciting happens.

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So why do you hate bubbles?

It all started when I was sitting on the porch of my freshman dorm, hanging out with some guys and smoking a cigar (I really do try to be one of the guys -- Unfortunately that doesn't stop them from calling me a broad 15 times a day and telling me to make a sandwich).
As they all talked about boy things (I wasn't listening but I assume they were talking about COD and masturbating), I pulled out a bottle of bubble solution and started blowing bubbles.

Now most people like bubbles, they're a glistening reminder of youthful innocence; a beautiful symbol for the fragility of life and happiness itself.

"Look at the way it glistens, its almost magical isn't it? Fucking bubble thinks its so fucking cool. I fucking hate that!"

However, One of the guys decided that, well, bubbles suck. "Why are you blowing bubbles?" he asked indignantly, "I fucking hate bubbles."
I have never heard a place go quiet so fast.
[Actually, I have. It's the kind of silence that suddenly falls over everyone at a loud party just when your yelling to you're friend that you need a new tampon.]

As the table erupted with shouts of "You hate BUBBLES?" "You Monster!" "Don't you have a soul?" and the like, it got me thinking.
No matter what it is, someone, somewhere hates it.
Its universal, like Rule 34.
Which brings me back to the question at hand, Why do I hate bubbles?
The answer? I don't.
But someone does.
Think of all your favorite things. Now realize that someone out there hates them.
This blog will document why.