Friday, May 21, 2010

Kissing - The reason you can't have sex.

Who doesn't like kissing, you wonder?
Oh, You'd be surprised.
I have met a few people who dislike the carnal act of tounge wrestling. Mainly guys (go figure), but there are a few girls in there too.
Of course in this particular topic dislike is a relative term. People may not like kissing but they usually prefer it to eating ramen and playing Warcraft alone in their rooms...or at least lets hope so....

Now on a superficial level, Kissing is gross!
Just really think about kissing right now. Wet lips on wet lips, the awkward feeling of each others tongues; and thats good kissing...
Bad kissing is way more common. Slobering, smacking, teeth...Fuck That!
And then theres the dirty factor...
A great man once said "A woman's mouth is the most Germ-Ridden place in the entire world!"
[Okay it was Cartman..]
But the kid's got a point.
The next time you go on a date, watch their mouths as they talk and think about how you put your mouth over there!
Mouths are nasty! In fact people say that human mouths are dirtier than dogs...yet I would sooner plant one on Christian Bale than Lassie. Doesn't make sense right? People are fucked up...

Don't look at me like that. You knew what this was.

Now here's the fundamental problem with kissing.

Kissing serves no purpose what so ever. Think of the average cycle of a relationship. There are 4 important phases.
Phase one, You meet. Obviously, you can't date if you never meet in the first place. You size each other up for a potential relationship based on basic physical attractiveness and sexual orientation.
Phase two, you date. Go out, get to know each other, figure out whether you can spend an evening together without gouging your eyes out.
Phase three, here comes the fun part - you two fuck like bunnies. Self explanatory and yet the most important and evolutionary significant part of the entire process. YAY Evolution!
Phase 4. This can go one of two ways. You can go on to get married or you can go on to have an ugly breakup that culminates with her shredding all your gifts and left behind socks and then weaving a basket to catch her tears in out of the shreddings.
[You could also get married and then break up, except this time she shreds your clothes and video games and the basket she makes holds more of your tears than hers.]

Now, keeping this relationship cycle in mind, it's obvious that kissing is unnecessary. The only possible explanation I can come up with for the popularity of kissing is that it's like a PG version of sex.
What did you say? Kissing is like sex? OUTRAGEOUS!
Calm down dear reader.

Ask any teenage boy why he likes kissing and he will tell you it's because kissing open the floodgates the endless possibilities, the most important of which is getting his dick wet.

This kid knows whats what. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Kissing is to sex what alcohol is to parties. We all know that alcohol is the best social lubricant. Now Kissing is the best sexual Lubricant (You know, besides actual Sexual Lubricant..)
Now as a girl knowing this makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Fuck Men! Always thinking with their penises and what-nots. Us girls NEVER sexually manipulate people. NEVER EVER.

So heres the thing about kissing then, guys only do it because they want to push up some skirts. Girls only do it to not feel like skanks when a guy pushes up their skirts.
What is this crap!? Why can't we all just have sex without the guilt?

Now I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I blame kissing for the cluster-fuck that is the standards and double standards regarding teenage sex.

I could go on for hours backing this claim, but basically, Why is kissing okay and other things not? Who gets to draw the line between normal and skanky these days?
Kissing is first base right? Is second base too far? [Isnt feeling up a natural part of kissing?]
Now once we're feeling up, is third base really that far off? What about having sex, doesn't seem like a big step now huh?
BAM, Youre a Skank.

Now, I've been called a slut a few times, I take it in stride. Being surrounded by guys all the time has decreased my shame to an almost shameful level (Not that I care because of the aforementioned decrease in shame..)
But I know it hurts some people a lot and has driven many teenage girls to depression.

Innocent? My Fucking Ass!
Kissing is like potato chips, you can't stop at one.
So don't guilt trip high schoolers when they have sex as you prance around saying kissing is okay.

They allow this smut on TV now? Geez...

Fact - 100% of people who have had sex have Kissed.

So, lets Boycott Kissing...for the Children!

Won't you please think of the children?

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