Sunday, July 11, 2010

Walking - So Stupid Even BP Execs Use a Segway

Disclaimer - The other day I met someone who hates walking. Legitimately hates it. His argument is incorporated below, and if you think it makes no sense fucking deal with it because Neither does your mom. Personally I love walking and it hurts my soul to bash it like this. But it is my duty to my readers to provide a negatively biased view on everything and god dammit i will see this through.

I, like most rational people, I travel around campus on a Razor Scooter.
Quite obviously the best invention of the 20th century

Now, while this form of transportation is amazing, energy efficient, fast and fun, I understand that not everyone can afford this $20 miracle machine. So it's only logical that some people choose an alternative form of transportation.
But god dammit why does it have to be walking?
Basic human function my ass!
Ever noticed how walking is so horribly repetitive?
Foot up, foot down, other foot up, other foot down. That's ridiculous! That's like those Bart Simpson chalkboard gags, except no one actually does that in real life!

Good point, Bart.

But Seriously, Walking, Can you imagine how much energy you are using by doing this mind numbingly pointless chore? [Around 280 Kcal an hour].
Walking is slow too. In fact many pedestrians die every year from getting hit by faster better ways to travel. If that's not a smack in the face then I don't know what is.
Clearly, Walking is the most inefficient way to travel.
I can hear you 'rational' people whining back there! Shut the fuck up!
So what if its an evolutionary ability?! Fucking look around you! There's washing machines to wash your clothes, lighters to start fires, voice dialing to replace pressing buttons. Science has worked so hard to make life easier for us!

In the days of yore it took much more than a thumb flick to get fire

People have dedicated their lives to making sure we never have to use our evolutionary abilities! Who cares if we have canines capable of tearing through raw flesh, we don't need em coz we've got stoves! Who cares if we have hard nails to defend ourselves from attackers? We have guns! So what if we developed body hair to protect us from the elements? Fuck the elements, I'm shaving. Actually you know what, Fuck shaving! I will now pay $700 dollars for a series of painful laser treatments to get rid of this awful body hair so I never have to run a razor up my legs again. [Totally worth it]

See how this works?

Now why on earth are we still sticking to walking, a primitive sub-standard way of travel?
Who the fuck knows.
Fortunately we have taken some important steps towards the abolition of this awful torture.
The car was a great start. Scooters and Vespa's were great too. We can now safely say that the amount of long distance walking has been cut down drastically.
Yay for us! Everyone pat yourself on the back.
But don't get too comfortable my dear reader, our work is not done!
What if you need to go to the store a block and a half away? Can't take the car can you? Also, with the onslaught of cars, parking lots have become so big that, even once you've driven to a destination, you still need to fucking WALK through the parking lot.
Fuck you science god! Why must you be so cruel?!

What we need is a device that walks for you. Something that can be used after we have finished the 'Driving' leg of our trip.
Oh wait a minute, we have that.

Hell yeah! The Segway. It's our answer to everything!
Sure it needs a little work and it needs to be made more portable and less expensive too, but give it time!
This amazing product will change our lives*.
Everyone! stop what you're doing and spend some time working on the Segway. Every little bit helps!
And, if all goes well then by the Hammer of Thor, we will get rid of Walking in our lifetime!

*For the better!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Family Guy? Nope I'd rather have the Ipecac

Okay, yes I promised a post 2 weeks ago and haven't delivered. Sorry. Shoot me. Whatever. Here's something to make up for it.
Family Guy. This shit's been going on for a while now, not as long as The Simpsons (Which will never ever cease to air. Matt Groening will write it from his grave I assure you.) but still, 8 years is nothing to scoff at.
I remember the first time I watched Family Guy, I was 11 years old and with my brother, channel surfing while on vacation in Australia. We caught the tail end of some episode about Native Americans, I've seen the full version since then but I can't recall the plot.
I remember the first thing that came out of my mouth after it aired...
"What is this, the Canadian Simpsons?"

A Canada joke should always be followed by a picture of a baby shaving his ass

Now keep in mind that back then Canadian-anything instantly made it terrible. And that's exactly how I felt about this show. It was Un-Funny, Unoriginal and Unintresting. I understand that Family Guy is not geared towards 11 years olds, so years later when I bought some pirated DVD's of the first few seasons I kept and open mind and watched them all. Still not funny.
I know I'm not the first one to bash Family Guy, I think South Park's Cartoon Wars are a stroke of genius because they made an extremely valid point that Family Guy has done nothing to improve.
The problem? The 'Jokes' have no context. Sitcoms are genius because they are able to fit so much humour in a small amount of time WHILE KEEPING TO A STORY LINE.
I mean, how the fuck in Family Guy any different from a sketch show? Its like they write a mediocre story that takes about 5 minutes of their time and fill the other twenty with a bunch of crap they wrote on the toilet.
My favorite example of this is when they all take Ipecac and then there is 5 minutes of just throwing up. What the fuck is that? Did you need to fill up a few minutes so you thought of the stupidest thing and stretched it out?

There is so much No in this picture I can't get away with just saying No.

I remember watching an episode on Hulu once and I subconsciously timed the chicken fight. 7 minutes. 7 Fucking minutes. A typical episode is 21 minutes, so basically 1/3rd of of the show you just watched was a man beating up a fucking chicken.
Yeah. An animated Man fighting and Animated Chicken. That's like people who get on Facebook to play Farmville. ITS A GAME WHERE YOU PRETEND TO BE A FARMER. WHAT IS THAT? Thats like watching a reality show about your Grandma's knitting.
But, I digress. I'm not going to lie, I thought the first chicken fight
was kind of funny. A little less in the second one. By the fourth one it was just too much.
Cartoon violence is not funny like real person violence is. Cartoon violence is the bastardization of all things good and pure.
So that's my problem with Family guy.
OH and the fucking Repetition? I fucking Hate repetition. I hate it so much. It is way to repetitive. Fucking repetition man..Geez.
They're fucking up cartoon law!
Cartoon law states that every day is a stand-alone day. The kids never grow up or change their clothes because they never age. Things that happened in past episodes do not affect them. Now obviously, this isn't viable all the time. When a character dies, they're dead forever; When they get married, they're unfortunately married forever. [Sure they can get a divorce, but they are forever married in the eyes of The Lord, which is basically what counts you know...]
In terms of jokes though, Cartoons need to be fresh. A couple of nods to previous episodes is fine, but the constant repetition of jokes is just a sign that either the writers think the viewers are idiots or that the writers are idiots.
And, Unfortunately for all of us, these repeated 'jokes' usually suck serious monkey balls. For example, that Conway Twitty crap. Stop it. People don't watch your show because they want to watch a 4 minute video of Conway Twitty.

Sorry Twits

So look Family Guy, I'll level with ya. Your lack of context doesn't suck as much as your jokes do. Fix your jokes and we'll be fine. Not all of your jokes suck, but a dangerous proportion of them do. How can the people who produce something as original and hilarious as American Dad (yes, I love American Dad) continue to crap out this abomination every week. I have many many other complaints about you, but I will keep them bottled up and one day smash my TV into tiny pieces because of it [I may also shoot someone, but we're talking about worst case scenarios here]. Also, The Cleveland Show? Stop that. We Don't need Family Guy 2. If you were going to give anyone a spin off it should have been someone important and hilarious. It's not that I don't like Cleveland, I'm just pretty sure a spin off show about Joe's wife Bonnie or The Fat guy Strangler would have been funnier. Or a show about Koalas or something [Just a suggestion...A pretty good one I think...]