Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Frosting - It's the Sanjaya of Dessert.

Look, everyone knows that cake is delicious. Nothing beats cake, ever. I have been to over 20 different countries and I have yet to meet someone who dislikes cake.

Frosting…on the other hand is a complete bastardization of what cake is! IT'S SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!

[It's like Sanjaya, its fun for a little bit..and then its like "What the fuck can this end already?"]

So I'm just going to jump in and say that everytime you Over-Frost a Cupcake, God takes a Teddy Bear from a Baby.


To put it simply, its like what condiments are to pizza.

Ever had a horrible slice of pizza that is so bad its hard to stuff down your throat?

Of course you have!

So what do you do? Cover it in oregano, chili powder, Parmesan cheese…anything to kill the awful taste of the slice of mess that you must eat because, hell, you paid 3 dollars for it and you need sustenance.

Now this I understand, I get masking the taste of pizza with some strong tasting powders in oversized salt shakers.

Thanks , harbinger of flavor!

What I don’t understand is the excessive use of frosting! Frosting doesnt taste very good on it's own, so why would you subject tasters to a mouth full of frosting? WHY DO YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH? THEY ARE NICE ENOUGH TO EAT YOUR CRAPPY FOOD!

Now, as a baker, I know that it is possible to screw up cake (Especially if youre a MORON). You can over-beat, over-bake, under-bake (Though that’s usually delicious!). The cake can be too dry and crumbly or too bland (Again, I don’t count too moist or too flavorful a problem).

Now honestly, if you’ve had a cake failure, the best thing to do it throw it out and start over. If you don’t want to though, you can always concoct this abomination…

Doesn’t look too bad right? WRONG!

What is it, you ask. Well these, ladies and gentlemen, are cake balls. Cake balls are crumpled up cake mixed with frosting, molded into a ball and dipped in melted chocolate.

OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK! Is this what food has come to?

Unfortunately, yes.

No one’s going to deny that cake balls really shouldn’t exist, but tell me dear reader, how is a cake ball any different from piping out 3lbs of frosting on an sub-par tasting cupcake?


So, to reiterate, if you make a bad batch – THROW IT OUT YOU DUMB BITCH! Or feed it to your dog (if it’s not chocolate obviously, if it is chocolate feed it to your cat….I kid of course KITTY POISONING IS TERRIBLE…ish)

What’s that you say? I only hate too much frosting on bad cakes? I’m alright with frosting otherwise?


You see those normally frosted cupcakes in the background of the above picture?

I bet those cup cakes taste damn good. I also bet that you wouldn’t be able to taste the cupcake under all that CREAMY HELL.

Frosting is just like…a horrible diabetes inducing sugary abyss! You think its delicious? I THINK YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG.

Most people do not understand the Frosting to Cake ratio! Frosting should be a maximum of 20% of the volume of the cupcake, with 12% being ideal. [Of course I base these facts on absolutely nothing.]


If you're skeptical, Try it! What are you, afraid that your cake sucks too much to hold on its own flavor?

Still don’t believe that frosting is made of baby tears?

Recently there was a big revelation in the world of frosting. I’m talking of course about the frosting shot!

Basically, it’s a tiny little cup of frosting. Now it was hard to come by a review that reacted positively to these things, most people called it too much. Ironically most cupcakes have more frosting than the amount in those tiny cups! MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE!

So, In summary.

Too much Frosting = Evil

Killing Bunnies = Evil

So, by my twisted logic…

Too much Frosting = Killing Bunnies.

YOU BASTARD! How dare you kill those bunnies!


  1. "Everytime you Over-Frost a Cupcake, God takes a Teddy Bear from a Baby."


    Keep up the writing, has been the highlight of my day

  2. Bahaha this blog is hilarious. I don't really laugh out loud very often, but "Too much Frosting = Bunnies" made me fall over laughing.

  3. Woops, I meant "Too much Frosting = Killing Bunnies". But you probably knew that.

  4. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule of being ridiculously attractive (Which I'm about 100% sure you are) to read my blog =)