Sunday, July 11, 2010

Walking - So Stupid Even BP Execs Use a Segway

Disclaimer - The other day I met someone who hates walking. Legitimately hates it. His argument is incorporated below, and if you think it makes no sense fucking deal with it because Neither does your mom. Personally I love walking and it hurts my soul to bash it like this. But it is my duty to my readers to provide a negatively biased view on everything and god dammit i will see this through.

I, like most rational people, I travel around campus on a Razor Scooter.
Quite obviously the best invention of the 20th century

Now, while this form of transportation is amazing, energy efficient, fast and fun, I understand that not everyone can afford this $20 miracle machine. So it's only logical that some people choose an alternative form of transportation.
But god dammit why does it have to be walking?
Basic human function my ass!
Ever noticed how walking is so horribly repetitive?
Foot up, foot down, other foot up, other foot down. That's ridiculous! That's like those Bart Simpson chalkboard gags, except no one actually does that in real life!

Good point, Bart.

But Seriously, Walking, Can you imagine how much energy you are using by doing this mind numbingly pointless chore? [Around 280 Kcal an hour].
Walking is slow too. In fact many pedestrians die every year from getting hit by faster better ways to travel. If that's not a smack in the face then I don't know what is.
Clearly, Walking is the most inefficient way to travel.
I can hear you 'rational' people whining back there! Shut the fuck up!
So what if its an evolutionary ability?! Fucking look around you! There's washing machines to wash your clothes, lighters to start fires, voice dialing to replace pressing buttons. Science has worked so hard to make life easier for us!

In the days of yore it took much more than a thumb flick to get fire

People have dedicated their lives to making sure we never have to use our evolutionary abilities! Who cares if we have canines capable of tearing through raw flesh, we don't need em coz we've got stoves! Who cares if we have hard nails to defend ourselves from attackers? We have guns! So what if we developed body hair to protect us from the elements? Fuck the elements, I'm shaving. Actually you know what, Fuck shaving! I will now pay $700 dollars for a series of painful laser treatments to get rid of this awful body hair so I never have to run a razor up my legs again. [Totally worth it]

See how this works?

Now why on earth are we still sticking to walking, a primitive sub-standard way of travel?
Who the fuck knows.
Fortunately we have taken some important steps towards the abolition of this awful torture.
The car was a great start. Scooters and Vespa's were great too. We can now safely say that the amount of long distance walking has been cut down drastically.
Yay for us! Everyone pat yourself on the back.
But don't get too comfortable my dear reader, our work is not done!
What if you need to go to the store a block and a half away? Can't take the car can you? Also, with the onslaught of cars, parking lots have become so big that, even once you've driven to a destination, you still need to fucking WALK through the parking lot.
Fuck you science god! Why must you be so cruel?!

What we need is a device that walks for you. Something that can be used after we have finished the 'Driving' leg of our trip.
Oh wait a minute, we have that.

Hell yeah! The Segway. It's our answer to everything!
Sure it needs a little work and it needs to be made more portable and less expensive too, but give it time!
This amazing product will change our lives*.
Everyone! stop what you're doing and spend some time working on the Segway. Every little bit helps!
And, if all goes well then by the Hammer of Thor, we will get rid of Walking in our lifetime!

*For the better!

1 comment:

  1. This is brilliant.
    Do you know anybody who, given the opportunity to own a segway, would not utilize it to it's fullest?
    If I had a segway, the joints in my legs would forget how to walk ! Then we really could start adding pedestrian lanes in busy streets :)